The Pain of Loss

My dad passed away the evening of April 17th.  Even though I am an adult, I feel somewhat orphaned.  There is one less person in this world who I know loves me and is proud of me.  I never knew my heart could ache so badly.  I was fortunate, however, to have been able to spend his last two days on this Earth with him.  The time I spent alone with him the day he died is the most precious gift I've ever received.  My dad was so uncomfortable and his body was failing but his spirit was so strong.  He was exhausted and I told him to rest but he said that he was afraid to fall asleep.  I asked him why he was afraid and he told me it was because he felt like he was leaving my mom in a mess.  I assured him that Mom would be taken care of and that he didn't need to worry about her and he assured me that he was not afraid of dying.  He shared with me a few details that he was concerned about but a lot of the time we were both silent and I just held his hand. 

The nurse came to tell us that they were going to move him to ICU so they could observe him better and that they would get us from the waiting room when they had my dad settled there.  We were in the waiting room for only 10 to 15 minutes when we heard Code Blue called.  The doctor came out and told us his heart had stopped and that they were trying to revive him.  I was shocked because my dad had been talking to us even as they wheeled him away.  I believe that my dad was not able to let go while we were still there with him and that it was only when he was alone that he was able to relax and stop fighting to live. We went in to be with him and they stopped administering CPR.  I immediately felt the loss of his spirit in my life.  It was at that time that I realized just how great a man my dad really was.  I was a child again...my mind repeating the words over and over, "I want my dad!"  I want to hug him.  I want to hear his voice.  I want to see his smile.

While experiencing this pain and sorrow, I have been adopted...adopted by those who had comforting words to say, who stepped in and helped when it was needed, who cried with me...I felt my family grow.  The loss is still there but God brings people into our lives who fill that loss and gradually it fades.

I have said that I feel somewhat orphaned but I know that we are all God's children and now it is my Father in Heaven that I must lean on for support.